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Preserve
all evidence of the attack-don't bathe or even wash your hands or
brush your teeth. Do not change your clothes. If you think you have
been drugged, do not urinate until you get to a hospital where they
can take a clean specimen. If you absolutely can't wait, urinate
into a clean container and take it with you. Contact a trusted friend
for moral support.
Go
to the hospital as soon as possible and ask them to conduct a rape
exam (also known as a rape kit) to collect forensic evidence. The
exam can be done within 72 hours of an assault, but the earlier
the better.
As part of the medical (i.e. non-forensic) portion of the exam,
the hospital may also test for pregnancy and sexually transmitted
disease. Most hospitals will also offer HIV prophylaxis and emergency
contraception. If they don't, feel free to ask.
Call
a rape crisis center and ask if a counselor can meet you at the
hospital. You can reach a counselor through
the National Sexual Assault Hotline, operated by RAINN: 800-656-HOPE.
The call is free, confidential, and accessible 24-hours a day.
You can also find the list of local rape crisis centers-searchable
by city and state-at http://www.rainn.org/counseling.html
[back
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If
she decides not to report to police, should a rape victim still
go to the hospital?
Yes. Even if the victim does not have a rape kit done for
the purpose of forensic evidence collection, it's important to have
a medical exam to check for pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease,
and consider an HIV prophylaxis and emergency contraception. The
medical exam can be performed at any time after the rape or sexual
assault, but the sooner after the rape, the better. [back
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Are
there other legal avenues available to the rape victim besides criminal
prosecution?
Yes. A rape victim can bring a civil suit against the perpetrator.
In a civil suit, the victim is seeking financial restitution from
the rapist instead of jail time. Under certain circumstances, a
landlord, business or institution can also be sued if a case can
be made that their negligence contributed to the rape.
These lawsuits must be brought within a specific time period, sometimes
as little as thirty days. Civil laws vary by state, so you should
consult an attorney to determine applicable statutes.
Given the financial and emotional toll of any lawsuit, the rape
survivor must decide whether it's worth it to sue. Unless the party
being sued has significant assets, it's unlikely the victim can
collect enough in damages to compensate for the pain and trauma
the rapist caused. Also, she may have a difficult time finding a
lawyer to take the case at all unless there's the potential for
a large award and a good chance of winning.
If they accept the case, most attorneys will take the case on contingency
(i.e. there is no up-front fee, but they take a percentage of the
award or settlement). Unlike the situation with the district attorney,
the attorney in a civil suit represents the victim, and the victim
controls the civil suit. In some states, a criminal trial is not
required in order to proceed with a civil case. Also, a victim may
still be able to bring a civil suit even if a "not guilty"
verdict has been rendered in the criminal case. The burden of proof
in a civil suit is not as stringent as in a criminal case. [back
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He's
out on bail and I'm afraid. What can I do?
Ask the police or prosecutor about obtaining a protective order
at arraignment that will prohibit the perpetrator from coming within
a certain distance of you. This is not failsafe, but sends the message
that you have the backing of the local authorities. [back
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She's
not acting like I would expect a rape victim to act. Is that unusual?
No, there's no one single or "correct" emotional reaction
following a rape or sexual assault. Some survivors withdraw and
are uncharacteristically quiet. Others lash out immediately in anger.
It's important to realize that whatever emotions you're seeing on
the outside, there is a lot more emotional trauma and uncertainty
happening inside.
Keep
in mind that the rape did not happen in a vacuum. The woman has
an entire life history preceding the rape, and the experience may
bring to the forefront traumatic childhood memories or troubled
relationships. [back
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How
do I know what she's feeling?
Most likely you won't-you can't-it's very difficult. Listen to her
and try to understand her as best you can. Remember, her feelings
are her own. She may not be sharing everything that happened during
the rape with you because it is too painful, embarrassing, or humiliating
for her.
There
are several books written by survivors that talk about their experience.
Another book, Working With Available Light, was written by the husband
of a rape victim.
These resources are indexed on our Recommended
Reading page with direct links to Amazon for purchase. If you
purchase through our site link, the It Happened to Alexa Foundation
will receive a percentage of the sale from Amazon. [back
to top]
Why
is family so important to a rape victim?
A sexual assault wreaks havoc on a victim's psyche, and strains
her personal relationships. It is not unusual for friends to abandon
the victim, as it raises uncomfortable issues for them, or for whatever
reason they don't feel they can handle it. It can be a lonely time
for the rape victim. Having a connection to family during this period
can be a safe and stabilizing force. Family is comfortable, known
. . . like wearing an old, worn-in sweatshirt. [back
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What
can I do to support her?
Be supportive, be strong, but don't force her into any decisions,
even simple decisions. It's important for her to regain control,
since she was out of control during the rape. Listen, but do not
judge. Reassure her that it was not her fault.
Do
not express your own anger or rage. Be patient. Be calm. Be aware
of your tone of voice. Make sure she is eating, sleeping and getting
some form of exercise, even if it is only a walk in the backyard.
Be reassuring. Listen without talking. You can't change what happened
and you can't fix it.
Let
her know it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to need help. She
is not weak because of what happened. Reinforce her positive ideas
and thoughts about her self-worth, strength, courage, survival skills,
happiness, etc. Don't tell other family members that she was raped
without her consent (i.e., don't take it upon yourself to tell the
neighbors or other family members if she does not want to tell them).
Be considerate of her privacy. Pamper her, but don't baby her.
Get
counseling for yourself, even if it is only one visit. You can't
help support her if you aren't taking care of yourself. Friends
and family members can contact their local rape crisis center for
ideas about how to best support the rape victim. You
can reach your local center by calling the National Sexual Assault
Hotline-1-800-656-HOPE. Press "1" at the main menu.
[back
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How
long will it take for her to recover?
There's no single answer--every woman reacts differently. Do not
assume that once the physical injuries have healed, the emotional
trauma should be over as well. With regard to recovery, think in
terms of years, not days, weeks or even months.
Even
if the perpetrator is caught, the victim can still experience extreme
fear and distress. The nights can be especially difficult due to
insomnia and/or nightmares. Progress can be uneven. You'll see signs
that she's taken a step forward, but it's not unusual to then take
a few steps backwards.
In
general, it is better for the victim to work through her feelings
soon after the experience. Counseling with a trained professional
can help focus that process. The criminal justice process can also
factor into the victim's recovery. Don't expect closure just because
the trial is over and a conviction is secured. The experience in
court can bring back the rape more vividly, even if years have already
passed and the victim has worked through her feelings prior to trial.
Some
victims go into a sort of denial immediately after the assault.
They believe that if they simply don't think or talk about it, it
will simply go away. Not dealing with the issues can lead to years
of symptoms such as relationship problems and self-destructive behavior
(e.g. eating disorders, substance abuse). Usually what happens is
that an event triggers the memory of the rape years later, bringing
it to the surface. The trigger can be a life event (e.g. marriage,
birth of a child) or even watching a TV show or movie about a rape.
[back
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What
should I avoid doing or saying?
Don't try and rush her healing process. The experience is also traumatic
for the support person, and you might feel compelled to suggest
that she "put it behind her and move on." Don't do that.
Support her as she finds her own way. She will deal with it on her
own timeline and the bad memory will eventually fade further into
the background.
Avoid
expressing your own anger and rage about the rapist, about the rape,
about the situation in front of her. Don't verbalize your "what
if's" and "should have's" around her. Don't repeat
questions to her for the sake of your own understanding. There are
simply some parts of the attack that you will never understand or
that will never make sense to you because you weren't there. Accept
that. If you continually try to understand these aspects of the
assault, it will seem to her as if you don't believe her that it
happened, or you will make her question herself.
Your
role is to be strong for her. It's okay to express your hurt by
sharing tears, but you should not break down in front of her. It's
taking all of her strength to be strong for herself. She can't be
strong for you also. [back
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I
think she needs counseling, but she rejects the suggestion, what
can I do?
You can't force her into counseling. You can suggest it and make
the information available to her. Tell her you'll accompany her
so it won't be as frightening. But let her reach out on her own
timetable. The National Rape Hotline, operated
by RAINN, is 1-800-656-HOPE. The RAINN hotline is free, confidential,
and accessible 24-hours a day. [back
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What
financial resources are available to victims?
All 50 states, the District of Columbia, the U.S. Virgin Islands,
Guam, and Puerto Rico have established compensation programs to
reimburse victims for crime-related expenses. Among the items victim
comp programs generally cover are medical costs, mental health counseling,
lost wages and relocation assistance. Each state has its own eligibility
requirements. Some states require that a police report be filed
in order for a victim to be eligible. To find out about resources
in your state, go to Victims
Comp State Contacts.
[back
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Thanks
to Kellie Greene of SOAR and Penelope Hughes of Survivor Networks
for their assistance in answering these questions.
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